not so neat

i will rejoice

2009-06-10T21:03:04Z

the day i'm finally fucking done with college
and can afford to eat things other than ramen and grilled cheese.
oh and pizza when i'm feelin fancy
efffff my life right now
wish i had saved up monies for summer classes
but that shit don't work when you got them bills to pay

the truth is

2009-01-19T18:53:16Z

that i don't miss you.
i have a beautiful life.
i have a beautiful family and surrogate family.
things are hard and the times are rough but were still young
and for the most part very very happy.
and for once
in my life
i am confident and have faith in the things that i am doing.
i wonder how most of them are now. then wheni find out its susually that theyre the same and that nothings changed
but even that is ok.
i want some kim chee or lo mein
deuces

so i thought

2008-09-22T18:48:57Z

that i'd finally be able to delete this shit
but a week later i find out that i have to do an event timeline of the last five years of my life for class
and since the last five years were horribly drug influenced
and this is the only thing i actually made a point to update on a regular basis in those five years
i guess i'm keepin it around till the end of the semester
whoo hoo
(ahnot)

yo

2008-07-10T00:34:32Z

uhm
any plans this weekend?
i havn't been to denton in like six months.
maybe its about time.

take a ride on an aliens spaceship

2007-06-02T16:43:10Z

uhm vegas is totally completly bizare
two of my best friends from second grade are like gonna get married soon
AND
they are naming their first born after me if its a girl
i was completely floored by this news
why would you wanna curse your child like that
whatev
i'll totally snmoke and get drunk witha kid named after me
i saw a cirque show last night
it was truly the most beautiful thing that ive seen since like italy
i was blown away
its not everyday that you see shit like that
were going to the lake today
the shitty ass lake that like you ouldn't swim in when i was a kid cause it had rocket fuel in the water somehow
my grandpa and uncle are like about to die
its so weird to be close to someone on the verge of death
i can hear it in their voices
fuck that part makes me wish i hadn't come down here
fuck
i just wanna ebe home
in dantes arms with little schlomo watching discovery channel and all that wonderful bull
iexcept i'll get ohme and i'm sure dante and i will e fighting in like five minutes
shit time to go

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2007-03-22T18:27:00

2007-03-23T00:31:21Z

wow guys.

life got really good there for a while.
and then just as quickly as it happned it turned itself back into shit
i'm not gonna whine or bitch but i just wanna say i didn't see it cominoutt left field n shit
i'm at my dads
sometimes i forget how much he loves me
it is nice to know that no matter how much i fuck up i can come home and just cry on him
i told him today that i thought i was gonna have to get a proffesiuon cause this thing where people fire me is killin me.
he said good go to college hen fire people so they can't fire you
and that is what its all about isn't it
not that i know what life is about
or love
or anything else
and fuck people that pretend like they do
and fuck livejournal for making me realize how dismal my life really is

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-11-07T13:47:00

2006-11-07T18:47:56Z

keep it real

and get a good boyfriend

dante
peace

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-09-14T18:28:00

2006-09-14T23:35:13Z

oh god
life has been so fucking weird lately its not even funny
uhm basically q hates dante and i now (like always)
schlomo is gone
dante ordered another fat tail gecko the other night
it makes me depressed cause i want my leopard geco back
hes a fuckin backstabbin baby
weve been talkiing about moving and stuff
i think my dad is gonna buy me a car soon, hopefully
raymond said that hed sell me his corolla for like 2500
not bad since its pimped out and got a system
my dad just put money in my accuont
i'm trying to not go shopping
or shoplifting
but sometimes you can only choose one and its usually the cheap one
i have alot of tests i have to study for
but i'mstrangely excited
and uh my music appreciation teacher looks like david bowie
if you know me
at all
you know what that means
...
it neednt' be said
but on the other hand i like big mexican boys
i wanna hang out with keely sometime
uhhh i'm gonna go paint my nails
and then most likely go hit up Ross
or nordstrom rack
i should call anita
uuuuuyhhhh
i wanna black pencil skirt
and my sewing machine back
and some Magnetism by Escada cause apparently i'm a fucking label whore now
damn
i wanna new pair of heels too
shit i gotta go soon
i think i'l just go shop by myself
for once ther is enough gas and i have money

OH SHIT
i forgot the best part till sarah just immed me
BIG NEWS
I THINK I AM GONNA QUIT DRUGS FOR A WHILE
AND BIRTH CONTROL

and sell some of my eggs so i can make like eight hundred dollars
cause i don't want babies anyway
shit i have the number in my purse
gotta go

no idea why i'm awake right now, i don't have school

2006-09-13T12:12:40Z

i wish this would have happened yesterday
i skipped shool and felt like a piece of shit
that was horrible
i know its all depression cause some days i wake up fine
i hsould have a car soon
hopefuly everyone up there will like look down on me and give that a kick in the ass
anitas gonna help me get it
i talked to dante for like two seconds about moving away
he wasn't happy
havn't even mentioned it to my father
i'm sure hell be damn glad to hear it
i wanna go to austin
badddddd
guys
like i'm finally serious about school and shit
after so long
even though i have no idea what to do
that is upsetting
i almost wanna help kids like i was, or with mental disabilities and shit
hte problem wiht bing a case worker like that is there ain't no money and you havve to see through the kids bullshit thats being fed to them by their parents
i have a hard time seeing through every type of bullshit, if you cant tell
i still need pictures
i'm makin a cd for toni and guy
i really like my job and the people i work with
i think they like me
maybe today i'll get to listen to like the nerves and tiger army and block party and muddy waters instead of that shit they put on
stilll need pis of jeffie
this is gonna be my last weekend to hang out
so call me k?
i'm gonna try and get my car to
my dad said hes just gonna put 1500 in my bank account and let me go find a car lot on lancaster an pick that shit out
and imma play so nice its not funny

if you were thomas edison would you invent a world for me?

2006-08-31T00:39:13Z

mayn i'm so depressed

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-08-14T09:14:00

2006-08-14T14:15:01Z

;ost my job at dillards
over a bottle of water
that some stupid bitch didn't ring up on the register
they fired me
not her

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-08-08T13:29:00

2006-08-08T18:35:09Z

so...
today i had a realization
or an epiphany

whatever you wanna call it

and i was thinking
that i'm going to be going to school with dante
and working iwith dante
and dante will be helping me pay for my car

and all this shit
and i started freaking out

cause like it seems like its just too much shit to handle
especially all by myself

then i realized that the only thing that i'm really afraid of is commiting
cause even though i've been with him for almost four years
i havn't had to make a commitment
and now
i'm planning on it
and for some reason it scared me
but now that i've though about it i'm ready cause that is who i wanna spend my life with
and i'm ready to start my life
so why not start it now with someone i love and that i know loves me?
someone i know is loyal and trustowrthy and hardworkin (once you give him a bit of a kick in the ass)
so why not?
i'm fuckin ready man, bring it on

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-07-02T10:49:00

2006-07-02T15:49:26Z

dante read my shit got pissed then tried to block me
so i'm making it friends only
which is something i should have done forever ago

taper jean girl

2006-05-22T04:37:44Z

tomorrow is my birfday
i'm getting a tattoo
i'm so tired of all my shitty friends
i almost want to move out, badly
back into my dad's or someshit.
nrh is so depressing
i wish people weren't so fucking stupid
its like no one cares at all anymore
and it is scaring me and ithink i want out
but then again i know i can handle myself as long as i got some kinda school or job
why does no one else care about those two things?
stevo gets paid a shitload to go to school every month and all he does is waste it on drugs
i'd go to fucking tcc for the rest of my life and leaarn to weld and paint and blow glass and speak spanish
fuck stupid boys
dante thinks he might get into childcare
wihch makes me glad
and i wanna work at toni and guy
get a second job
pay off my shit
i miss you all so fucking much
specially theywuh and britnaynay
no one reads this do they?

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-05-16T13:11:00

2006-05-16T18:11:28Z

i've decided that the world is never going to be right
i keep trying and trying and it seems like its all so futile
i have constant chills running up my back all the time.
it makes it hard to work and hard to think and harder to love
i see all my boys i love so much
and find myself wondering when the next ones gonna leave
and everyones changed
sometimes its like i'm stuck in a world full of strangers
dante is so depressed
i cna't even save him
my heart is so broken guys
it just hurts so much

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-05-12T13:08:00

2006-05-12T18:10:10Z

i'm sick to my stomach
i have to go to work
i keep getting fucked up
i'm not taking classses in the summer
i fucked up in spanish
i'm so tired
i just want to see all my girls so bad
being around the boys is throwin me into a deep depressive hole
there are too many drugs around
i'm so tired
i just wanna sleep for a milllion years
i miss you all so much
so so so much

stop making your eyes at me, i'll stop making my eyes at you. what really suprises me is i'm not sur

2006-04-29T19:36:20Z

so theres seriously something wrong with the world
like its gone upside down or something
justin and josh can suck a dick
i'm tired of worrying about them, tired of being lied to
and tired of them acting like i'm an idiot
go do whatever the fuck you wanna do man, i don't care if you die, cause i can't care
everyone i know is almost outta highschool
and moving away or getting jobs
dude this is fucked up
this time wasn't ever supposed to be here
i can't tell you how scared i am
prom has come and gone already
its been a month almost?
and i'll be going to school all day in the summer
i don't know why i'm doing it
i think its so i don't go crazy
then full time again in fall
i better get my degree sooner than later
shit i'll be 18 soon
anyone up for frisbee golf on drugs
and glowstick
s

yeah
i think i am
this sucks

uhhh mmmkay

2006-04-26T18:12:27Z

sooooooo
fuck
i have nothing to say
cept i hat emy livejournal
and i think its stupid
why do i still do this

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-04-16T14:15:00

2006-04-16T19:15:42Z

hey
you know what fucking rocks about my life?
how about everyone has a better job than me
they get to work in a badass salon and get their hair done
or work for their dads
which means they
a)get free haircuts and dyes
b)don't ever get fired cause its their dads office

...or some of you don't have to work at all
you fuckiiiiiiiiing lucky bitches
sometimes i hate my life
cause i'm going to a fucking community college
and living with my boyfriends family
but wait mine is fucking crazy so i guesss its cool
and uh i can't list my addresss as a nrh one cause apparently hurst fuzz will come pick me up
so if i get pulled over i'm just fucked
but then i look at dante
and he points this gun at me
and it says
"dizzy dantes death darts"
or
"dizzzzante$ death tip"
and
i get hit in the face with an orange fucking suction cup
and then we go smoke a cigarette
and life is cool
SO FUCK you
i guess i'm just trying to justify life right now
and i've done a good job

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-04-11T10:13:00

2006-04-11T15:17:11Z

today i went to school
and took a test
and kinda didn't study so we know how that goes
and then i went to see a friend i havn't seen in a long time
and it was strange cause it was so fucking quiet
eventually i got scared and left
not before redrawing that heart in the dirt
i'm out to get a job today
which i'm sure i will
i miss my friends, the way they were two, three years ago
when we were in the van or in ihop or effin 442
god i miss 442 and peter and jeff and even smelly justin and little josh
no ones close to the same now cept pete, i think
i mena at leasst i can still talk to him without wanting to kick him in the balls
sometimes it seems like your life is just flying by, ya know?
like your in a train goin fast
sometimes it bothers you
but right now i couldn't give a shit if i tried
chillins just too good ya know

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-04-10T15:35:00

2006-04-10T20:35:03Z

so i don't know why i'm writing in this
i live in the hills now and life is seriously so much better than i could have ever asked for
and its weird cause i htought i'd have alot of problems with dante
but we get along really well
watching a movie right now
went to austin last weekend
some of my friends really suck
and sometimes peoples actions make you think twice about wether theyre really your friend or not
it was just a stupid dance at a stupid school that i would have prolly had a horrible time at anyway
i bought a stupid dress for it, and wasted the little money i have
how stupid i am, i can't believe it
so return the dress and buy something i need
works out doesn't it

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-04-09T22:02:00

2006-04-10T03:02:21Z

so life with dante is good
his mmmom and g-ma seeem to liek me
we went to austin this weekend for a wedding

dante and i get along reallly well now
i miss some of you and its breakin my heeeaart
the keys keep getting stuck
shiit
so tired

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-04-07T09:46:00

2006-04-07T14:47:51Z

i just realized i have no friends
cept dante
sarah sucks
apparently she thinks i'm just some junked out nasty whore now
and disinvited me to prom
i'm sick of thier bullshit
i can't take my heart getting hurt anymore
my brain hurts
i just got drunk once
fuck all of you
i don't need you
and i really don't want you

aumz_rawkin_it @ 2006-04-02T13:51:00

2006-04-02T18:51:31Z

i have to move itnto dantes house
my mom told me to get my shit and hit the road last night
my dad doesn't even care
right now were moving stuff from his room to storage/garbage
hes so mad
he always is
you guys aer gonnna have to come see me

oh man i'm crying so hard now

2006-03-12T15:58:01Z

i woke up cause i have work in two hours
and my dad won't answer his phone
so i have to wake up sarah
and i got on brittanys computer
and theres this really great picture of jeff on it
and i just started bawling
and i can't stop huys
this isn't fucking fair
how come everyone else seems to be dealing with it so much better than dante and i
everytime i see his picture i wanna break down or run away or something
its not right or fair
i don't know what i'll do whne i get that tattoo
maybe i'll just cry my lil eyes out everyday that i see it
on valentines day i had to beg and beg dante to play his bass for me
when we were first going out he would make all these lil songs for me and give em my name "like the angry autumn song" or some shit like that
and i begged and begged him
and when he finally did i thought he was gonna cry
and i felt terrible
last time we went to his grave i tried to redo that heart
and sarah and brittany wouldn't let me cause they said it was natural or some shit
nothing about him was natural it was all outta the fucking world

...
i have been working and going to school alot
everyday
even when i don't have rides
and
carlas new house tuned out to be really nice
but shes back to treating me like shit, much like she did when i was a kid in vegas
which is why i left and came down here with henry
and i crashed the lady lincoln
but i really don't care right now cause i sorta wanna die anyways
my cousin tracy(the rich one who pays for my college) told my grandpa that i went to rehab, which is one thing my entire family promised me they wouldn't do
then she calls me up the otherday on dantes phone telling me i'm not to go back to my mothers house, and that i'm certainly not to bring dante there. that i am guilty by assosiation (what hes not a felon?) that if i go there she will have the cops called on me and well both be arrested
shes a fucking backstabber and i hate her
i hope she reads this cause i am never talking to her again
money ruins people tracy.period.
so then, while crying hysterically i called my moms friend talona who says i can call her for anything, so i did
and she said that she didn't think my mom wanted me kicked out she just wanted the night all alone in her house
and i was like well what the hell where did all that shit that tracy was talking come from
she still hasn't called me to appollogize
dude, all of you know i'm not some fucking criminal
how can someone in my family that is supposed to love me, and whom i'm supposed to be able to talk to about anything say that shit on me
its like the second i turned my back she became and evil monster
and i hate my situation right now
dante is my only saving grace
i'm so glad i have him otherwise i'd have run my car into a tree at eighty
and when i don't get to see him for two days i start freaking out
cause i can't deal with my crazy ass family alone
oh and his mom and grandma told me i can move in over there
but i can't curse and i have to brush my hair
and i told them i'd only do one
oh and lisa tried to do some crazy shit
we knew that was gonna happen
mo is a liar though
we knew that too
so lets just let em go be insane together

oh and tracy i hope you read this shit
better yet i hope its samantha
cause i know she has a completely biased view of me now because of you
keep your money i don't want it
i'll take out student loans
THIS IS FOR ANYONE IN MY FAMILY
I KNOW YOU SOMETIMES STUMBLE ON THIS SHIT
IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME
YOU WOULD NOT ASK ME TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE AS DEAR TO ME AS DANTE.
HE HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME WHEN THE REST OF YOU JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE
IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT IT
I'LL DO MY BEST NOT TO SPIT IN YOUR FACE
DON'T ASK ME TO BREAK UP WITH HIM
BECAUSE I WON'T/DON'T FUCKING LISTEN TO YOU
IT JUST MAKES ME HATE YOU
ITS IN YOUR BEST INTERESTS
DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR WHO TO FUCK CAUSE YOULL JUST MAKE ME MAD
IF YOU REALLY LOVEDME YOU WOULD SHUT YOUR DAMN UGLY MOUTHS AND BITE YOUR TOUNGES. AND IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULD SIMPLY KNOW BETTER